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A MAP OF THE WORLD.

Journal Entry: Sun Aug 24, 2008, 6:27 AM
i've got to remember...
this is just a game.
:heart:

WHEN YOU'RE GONE.

Journal Entry: Sat Jun 28, 2008, 11:16 AM

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cried
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie
Is made up on your side

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it okay
I miss you

I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do
Reminds me of you
And the clothes you left
They lie on the floor
And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were

And all I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I do I give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe, I need to feel you here with me
Yeah

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear will always get me through the day
And make it ok
I miss you.

:heart:

SHOULD I? COULD I?

Journal Entry: Sat May 17, 2008, 5:08 PM

beauty over wisdom
to fit in with their style
Cinderella stories
for a price
vanity's a business built to please the unique
silicon and stars collide
the rest will fall in line

just as beautiful as you are
it's so pitiful what you are
you should have seen this coming all along

visually you're stimulating to my eyes
your Cinderella syndrome's full of lies
your insecurities are concealed by your pride
pretty soon your ego will..
KILL WHAT'S LEFT INSIDE

just as beautiful as you are
it's so pitiful what you are
you should have seen this coming all along
it's so pitiful what you are
as beautiful as you are
you should have seen this coming all along

you're everything that's so typical
MAYBE YOU'RE ALONE FOR A REASON
you're the reason

it's so pitiful what you are
you should have seen this coming all along.


for my father.

shhh...

Journal Entry: Fri May 2, 2008, 11:37 PM

someone help me.
i don't know where i went.

DEAR MOM AND DAD

Journal Entry: Wed Apr 30, 2008, 2:20 AM

they say, this town...
the stars stay up all night.
well I don't know, can't see 'em..
for the glow of the neon lights -
and it's a long way from here..
to the place where the home fires burn.
well, it's two thousand miles and one left turn.

"Dear Mom and Dad, please send money -
I'm so broke that it ain't funny.
Well, I don't need much, just enough to get me through...
Please don't worry cause I'm alright -
See I'm playin' here at the bar tonight.
Well, this time I'm gonna make our dreams come true.
but, I love you more than anything in the world.
Love, your baby girl.
"

blacktop, blue sky, big town -
full of little white lies, well..
everybody's your friend, you can never be sure.
they'll promise fancy cars and diamond rings -
all sorts of shiny things but...
girl, you'll remember what your knees are for.

"Dear Mom and Dad, please send money -
I'm so broke that it ain't funny.
Well, I don't need much, just enough to get me through...
Please don't worry cause I'm alright -
See I'm playin' here at the bar tonight.
Well, this time I'm gonna make our dreams come true.
but, I love you more than anything in the world.
Love, your baby girl.
"

I know that I am on my way -
well, I can tell everytime I play.
and I'll know it's worth all the dues I pay...
when I can write to you and say -

"Dear Mom and Dad, I'll send money -
I'm so rich that it ain't funny.
Well, it ought to be more than enough to get you through -
Please don't worry cause I'm alright...
See I'm stayin' here at the Ritz tonight.
Whatta ya know, we made our dreams come true.
And there are fancy cars and diamond rings -
But you know that they don't mean a thing.
Well, they all add up to nothin' compared to you.
Well, remember me in ribbons and curls -
I still love you more than anything in the world</u>.
Love, your baby girl.
"

:heart:

SAY IT IF IT'S WORTH SAVING ME.

Journal Entry: Sat Apr 19, 2008, 4:20 AM

"Go. And just leave this place behind you. Don't look back."
he said.


:heart:

LEAVE OUT ALL THE REST.

Journal Entry: Wed Apr 16, 2008, 3:16 AM

I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared..
But no one would listen.
'cause no one else cared.
After my dreaming,
I woke with this fear -
What am I leaving..
when I'm done here?

So if you're asking me I want you to know -

When my time comes,
forget the wrong that I've done.
Help me leave behind some..
reasons to be missed.
Don't resent me.
And when you're feeling empty -  
keep me in your memory.
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
.

Don't be afraid.
I've taken my beating -
I've shared what I made.
I'm strong on the surface,
not all the way through.
I've never been perfect -
but neither have you.
So if you're asking me I want you to know -

Forgetting / all the hurt inside you learned to hide so well -
Pretending / someone else can come and save me from myself...
I can't be who you are.

When my time comes,
forget the wrong that I've done.
Help me leave behind some..
reasons to be missed.
Don't resent me.
And when you're feeling empty -  
keep me in your memory.
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
.


:heart:
for Bubba and his Dad.

THE STONE

Journal Entry: Thu Mar 27, 2008, 7:38 PM

I've been pushing stones away
far from these shores
I pretend that it's all okay
On the brink of what can't be adored

We survived
well we can change
So let it fade
Just let it go
We pretend so nothing has changed
Flowers never breaking through the stone

I pretend and pray it all away
searching for a place to hide
But I don't need to pretend memories
to fade
I just wanna feel something real inside

And we survive
What we can't change
So let it fade
Let it go
We pretend so nothing does change
The flowers never breaking through the stone.

I've been pushing stones away
far from these shores
I pretend that it's all okay
So long I can be adored

We survived
Well we can change it
So let it fade
Just let it go
We pretend so nothing has changed
Flowers never breaking through the stone.

:heart:

HANDS HELD HIGH

Journal Entry: Thu Mar 20, 2008, 4:55 AM

turn my mic up louder
i got to say something
lightweights step it aside when we come in
feel it in your chest / the syllables get pumping
people on the street they panic and start running
words on loose leaf sheet complete coming
i jump in my mind and summon the rhyme i'm dumping
healing the blind i promise to let the sun in
sick of the dark ways we march to the drum and
jump when they tell us that they wanna see jumping
fuck that / i wanna see some fists pumping
risk something / take back what's yours
say something that you know they might attack you for
cause i'm sick of being treated like i have before
like it's stupid standing for what i'm standing for
like this war's really just a different brand of war
like it doesn't cater to rich and abandon poor
like they understand you in the back of the jet / when you
can't put gas in your tank / and these fuckers are
laughing their way to the bank / cashing the check
asking you to have compassion / have respect
for a leader so nervous in an obvious way
stuttering and mumbling for nightly news to replay
and the rest of the world watching at the end of the day
in their living room laughing like -
what did he say ?

in my living room watching / i am not laughing / cause
when it gets tense i know what might happen
the world is cold / the bold men make action
have to react or get blown into fractions
ten years old / it's something to see / another
kid my age drugged under a jeep
taken and bound / and found later under a tree
i wonder if he had thought the next one could be me
do you see / the soldiers / they're out today they
brush the dust from bulletproof vests away
it's ironic / at times like this you pray
but a bomb blew the mosque up yesterday
there's bombs on the busses / bikes / roads
inside your market / your shops / your clothes / my dad
he's got a lot of fear i know
but enough pride inside not to let that show
my brother had a book he would hold with pride
a little red cover with a broken spine
on the back / he hand wrote a quote inside:
"when the rich wage war it’s the poor who die"
and meanwhile / the leader just talks away
stuttering and mumbling for nightly news to replay
the rest of the world watching at the end of the day
both scared and angry like -
what did he say ?

with hands held high into a sky bloody
the ocean opens up to swallow you
.

:heart:

THIS IS

Journal Entry: Wed Mar 19, 2008, 5:12 PM

ANCHOR YOURSELF -
to the foundation
of everything you ARE.
BELIEVE
you have just begun
to live.

Don't let the world deceive you.
Don't let their words betray you.
Don't let their lies deceive you.
Lead them to their graves.

I will not die this way (THIS IS ABSOLUTION)
Death claims us no more (no more)
Do not grief -
END THE SUFFERING.
I will live - live eternal.

:heart:

I'VE PAID

Journal Entry: Tue Mar 18, 2008, 5:50 AM

are you lost / in your lies
do you tell yourself i don't realize
your crusade's a disguise
replaced freedom with fear / you trade money for lives
i'm aware of what you've done

no / no more sorrow
i've paid for your mistakes
your / time is borrowed
your time has come to be replaced

i see pain / i see need
i see liars and thieves abuse power with greed
i had hope / i believed
but i'm beginning to think that i've been deceived
you will pay for what you've done

no / no more sorrow
i've paid for your mistakes
your / time is borrowed
your time has come to be replaced

thieves and hypocrites
thieves and hypocrites
thieves and hypocrites

no / no more sorrow
i've paid for your mistakes
your / time is borrowed
your time has come to be replaced


:heartbreaker:

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Journal Entry: Mon Feb 4, 2008, 5:54 AM

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Journal Entry: Sat Jan 12, 2008, 5:35 PM

THERE GOES MY LIFE.

Journal Entry: Thu Jan 3, 2008, 5:56 PM

all he could think about was -
"I'm too young for this....
got my whole life ahead -
Hell, I'm just a kid myself.
How am I gonna raise one?"

all he could see were his dreams..
goin' up in smoke.
so much for ditchin' this town
and hangin' out on the coast
oh well, those plans are long gone.
and he said,

''There goes my life.
There goes my future.
My everything.
Might as well kiss it all good bye -
There goes my life.
''

a couple years of up all night,
and a few thousand diapers later -
that mistake he thought he made..
covers up the refrigerator.
oh yeah, he loves that little girl.
Mamas waitin' to tuck her in,
as she fumbles up those stairs..
she smiles back at him -
draggin' that teddy bear.
"Sleep tight."
green eyes and bouncin' curls.
and he smiles -

"There goes my life.
There goes my future.
My everything.
I love you, daddy, good night.
There goes my life.
"

she had that Honda loaded down -
with that Abercrombie clothes,
fifteen pairs of shoes.
and his American Express.
he checked the oil, slammed the hood -
said, ''You're good to go.''
she hugged 'em both -
and headed off to the West Coast.
and he cried -

"There goes my life.
There goes my future.
My everything.
I love you, baby -
good bye.
"

there goes my life.

:heart:
for my dad.
and all the other future and present daddys out there.

FOR JUST A FEW MINUTES.

Journal Entry: Sun Dec 23, 2007, 8:37 AM
I opened my eyes.
I could hear laughter floating through the half-open door to my room. I glanced over at the bed next to mine. It was empty and neatly made. Dim green light made the room glow..but it still felt cold and lonely. I sat up, turning my legs off the edge of the bed and putting my feet on the freezing floor. I leaned and peered out my door. Everyone in the common room was laughing and talking loudly. I was curious..this didn't seem normal.

I put a pair of socks on and stepped silently out of my room, holding my arms close to my chest because I was cold and a little anxious. Anthony, a tall, dark-haired boy with a childish face and demeanor noticed my presence in the room immediately..as he frequently seemed to do.

"Taylor! Come here, we're line dancing!" he said cheerfully, reaching out for my arm. The radio was on - few sat in their chairs laughing and smiling.
"I can't dance. I don't know how to dance." I half laughed and smiled sheepishly, still holding my limbs close to my body inside my imaginary shell.
"Oh come on, yes you can!"
An older, pretty lady with short brown hair and dark blue pj's laughed and beckoned me to the middle of the floor.
"I can shake my ass like a stripper and swing on a pole but I promise you I cannot dance." I said. Everyone chuckled.
"Well we can't have none of that in here, ha ha!" The older lady giggled.
"Come here, we'll show you." She took my arm and scooted me next to her.
Chris Daughtry's "Over You" came on the radio. I smiled. We all looked down at our feet, following her's and Anthony's steps. More people got up and joined us. Anthony tried his hardest to teach me some sort of Micheal Jackson foot move, but to no avail. After a minute or two, I sat down in one of the chairs..

I looked around the room. Everyone who I'd seen the day before - all so sad..sitting around..doing literally nothing but sifting through their own thoughts about why they were all here - were all now laughing. And dancing. And smiling. It was odd..that it was Chris Daughtry's "Over You" that was playing..because even though the song is about getting over a relationship..if you listen to the words - they were perfect for the moment - if you applied them to why we were all there.

On December 21st, 2007 - inside one of the saddest places for anyone in the world to be - for just a few minutes...

everyone was happy.


:heart:

GUESS WHAT?

Journal Entry: Thu Nov 15, 2007, 2:59 AM


:heart:

HINDER.

Journal Entry: Mon Nov 12, 2007, 4:46 PM


i think you can do much better than me -
after all the lies that I made you believe.
then guilt kicks in and i start to see..
the edge of the bed where your sweater used to be.

i told myself i won't miss you.
but i remember -
ohh..
what it feels like beside you.

i really miss your hair in my face..
and the way your innocence tastes.
and i think you should know this -
you deserve much better than me.

while looking through our old box of notes -
i found those pictures i took that you were looking for.
if there's one memory i don't wanna lose -
that time in the park -
you and me by the school.

i told myself i won't miss you.
but i remember -
ohh..
what it feels like beside you.

i really miss your hair in my face..
and the way your innocence tastes.
and i think you should know this -
you deserve much better than me.

:heart:

THIS DAY IS MINE.

Journal Entry: Sun Nov 11, 2007, 12:58 PM

why?


because when i said goodbye.
i meant it.
because i'll never look back.
because i never want to be there again.
because i smiled and gave a toast.
"HERE'S TO THE DAY YOU DIE."
because i know exactly who i am.
because i put the pictures away.
because i hung up new ones.
because i hid the stains.
because i fixed the door.
because i scrubbed the walls.
because i sewed myself back together.
because i'll never be torn apart again.
because i don't ever have to see your face again.
because i can look in the mirror again.
because i still hear your screams.
because i wake up in relief.
because it was just a nightmare.
much.
like.
you.
honey.
because you were just another methamphetamine.
because you were just my relapse.
and because NO ONE will cry at your funeral.
and because after today.
i will never speak or think of you again.
because this is me taking one more look at the ghost.
before i'm gonna make it leave.
because i'm done with it.
because i'm done with you.

because i have scars.
because i can wear them proud.
because i'm laughing again.
because i can feel the sun on my skin.
because i can feel the wind in my hair.
because i
can.
feel.
again.
because i dream for me.
because i always see a perfect forest through so many splintered trees.
because i want you to pay attention please.
because someone still cares.
because i love my father.
because i love my mother.
because i'm the luckiest girl in the world.
because i know it.
because i know he's out there somewhere.
because i may already know him.
because i may not.
because i love not knowing.
because i'm waiting for him.
because i know he's waiting for me too.
because i'm impulsive.
because i want to talk about me.
because i want to hear about him.
because i want you to breathe your life into me.
because i want him to be still.
because i want him to pretend it's the last night on earth.
because i wont let the world decieve you.
because i wont let their words to betray you.
because i will not die this way.
because this is absolution.
because i wont greive.
because i will end the suffering.
because i can feel your agony.
because i want to walk more than a mile in your shoes.
because i have just begun to live.
because i want to have babies someday.
because i know my daddy will walk me down the isle.
because i'm haunted.
because i can sleep soundly with my own ghosts.
because i want him to hold me tight while we sleep.
because every soul needs another.
because i want him to notice the little things.
because i notice the little things.
because i don't see what you see.
because i see what i want to see.
because i can't wait until there's only twenty miles to go.
because i can come and go as i please.
because i can go as fast or slow as i please.
because i do what i want to do.
because this day is mine.

because.
every.
single.
day.
IS MINE.

:heart:
love,
me.

DIVER.

Journal Entry: Sun Nov 11, 2007, 12:53 PM


between the velvet lies -
there's a TRUTH thats hard as steel.
THIS VISION NEVER DIES.
life's a never ending wheel.

:heart:

HOLY.

Journal Entry: Wed Nov 7, 2007, 5:49 PM


Dear Devin,

You're the star of the Masquerade.
No need to look so afraid.

:heart: